i posted this in a old forum but it still makes me laugh
it was a few years ago at christmas anhd as a hard working taxi driver i was out serving the public "ripping off is a better description" it was getting to the end of the night and the cash had been coming my way for 14 hours,so all in all i felt on top of the world.
so i call the office and say im chucking it and they beg me to do 1 more hire whos been on the phone about 5 times and they are getting angry,its taking me almost home so being the nice guy i am i say yes "WHAT A HOWLER"
pull up outside a house in jacton "i little hamlet of ex farm houses" its classed as up market,sent the "im here" message from my taxi computor and havre a strech.
4 females "well 3 and a she devil" come out the door and they look pissed off, they get in the car and the fatty almost pulls my door of its hindges "not a word im a pro taxi driver"
the fattys firsat words were "fuking paisley" so im thinking i will respond in kind and reply "what fukin way do you want to go" exact words because im "a pro taxi driver"
a small argument starts about my choice of words that i ignore because "you get it "im a pro taxi driver"
paisley is about a 25 min drive from the pick up so i shuffle the cd player to 80,s megga hits and boom kajagoogoo and "to shy" is the first tune,im fine with that and as im driving im singing away "that kinda under breath singing us guys do" not loud but i can be heard. nothing is said for a few mins and one of the normal looking ones says "i take it your busy tonight driver" i reply yes its been a gret night for me have you girls had a good night ? the convo goes back and forth and within 10 mins i have won them over and we are having a giggle "well i am a pro taxi driver"
first one gets out gives cash to the she devil and says good night
now we are warming up and we are all getting on great
second one gets out gives cash to the she devil says good night
third one sits in the car for a few mins and the three of us have a general chat then pays the she devil and says good night
now then,we have about a 5 min drive to fattys house "she wasent just chunky as chunky can be good she was fukin massive" as soon as we are alone she says "realy sorry about the door driver"
not a prob i say i hate waiting for taxis to
as we are turning into her street she puts her hand on mine that is on the gear stick,my first thought was on ffs can i get warts from her,but itas xmas so i just smile,
i stop at her door and ask as nice as i can for £46.80 i realy remember the hire that well,she gives my £50 and tells me to keep it !woop woop happy days"
i just want to get away now but fatty wants to talk so i decide to give her 5 mins as deep down im a decent guy
my husband left me
my kids dont visit
im in this house all on my own
i hate my job
my mother is sick and in hospital
after 10 mins she pops the question "do you fancy coming in" and she leans over and tries to kiss me "now before i continue i must point out i was seeing a girl angie and i was kicking way above my hight with her she was a good laugh,a real looker and i was realy happy" so when i saw hoover lips mooving in i started to laugh and put my hand in the way whils asking her "are you fukin serious"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM she fukin exploded called me all sorts started to get out the car and then turned round and fukin hooked me "if i didnt have the reflex of a cat i would have been knocked out" but it only glanced me NOW THEN GENTS HOW WOULD YOU REACT TO THIS,well i reacted by ---------------
grabbing my mag light torch jumping out the car and ran 4 steps in her direction but for a big girl she could shift and was at her door by the time i had only started after her,so i shout as loud as i can all sorts of abuse at her,and make sure i get in the "id rather go home for a wank than come in there with you" im now standing about 10 steps from my car with a chib shouting at a fat bird with a few curtains twitching,so what do you do lads,let me tell you
i got back in my car and drove home "why" because im a pro taxi driver thats why
