Jokes

genozide

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A big man escaped from prison, where he had been for 15 years. He broke into a house and searched for money and guns, but only found the young married couple in bed sleeping. He dragged the husband out of bed and tied him up to a chair. Then he tied the wife up in the bed, kissed her neck and went to the bathroom. While the fugitive was gone the husband told his wife: "That man has escaped from prison! He's probably not seen a woman for a long long time. I noticed how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't struggle against him! Don't even think about it but let him get what he wants! He's a very very dangerous man. If he gets mad, he'll prob kill us both. Be brave, honey! I love you"....... The wife answered: "He didn't kiss my neck. He said he was gay and asked if we got some vaseline. I told him there's some in the bathroom. Be brave, honey! I love you too.

:tbag:

(got this one from kyntteri in finnish. Rough translation to english).
 

Art_Br83

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.....this is what i say to myself every time i log on to I/O BF3 server
 

General_Misery

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Superb!

How about this one:

Two brothers, 5 and 9 years old, have just awoken and the older boy says "Let's say something naughty at breakfast, I say Hell and you say Fucking" The younger brother giggles in excitement as they head for the kitchen. They are greeted by their mother "Good morning my little angels, what do you want for breakfast?" The older brother goes "Ah hell, give me some Corn Flakes!" The mother gets all red in the face and shouts "WHAT?", slaps the boy and sends him up to his room. She then calms down and turns to the younger boy "So, what do you want for breakfast?" The boy, looking quite alarmed, says "Well, one thing for sure - I don't want any fucking Corn Flakes".
 

prooi

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A big man escaped from prison, where he had been for 15 years. He broke into a house and searched for money and guns, but only found the young married couple in bed sleeping. He dragged the husband out of bed and tied him up to a chair. Then he tied the wife up in the bed, kissed her neck and went to the bathroom. While the fugitive was gone the husband told his wife: "That man has escaped from prison! He's probably not seen a woman for a long long time. I noticed how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't struggle against him! Don't even think about it but let him get what he wants! He's a very very dangerous man. If he gets mad, he'll prob kill us both. Be brave, honey! I love you"....... The wife answered: "He didn't kiss my neck. He said he was gay and asked if we got some vaseline. I told him there's some in the bathroom. Be brave, honey! I love you too.

:tbag:

(got this one from kyntteri in finnish. Rough translation to english).
hahaha.......nice one..........hope my english is good.......But if he has even odds he can better be quick to the kitchen run and a fork ingestion, then he has bars on the door
 

Rebirth

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gotta love jokes that dont end the way you expect them to banana.
 

General_Misery

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This made me laugh even if some are old:

Skyagra = A quick flick through the satellite TV channels before bedtime, made by a middle-aged gentleman in search of something to boost his flagging sex-drive.

Karaoke = tone-deaf in Japanese

Beer coat = the invisible but warm coat worn when walking home guided by your trusty Kebab Compass after feeling the need to partake in a light snack once you had finished drinking at 3 in the morning.

Kebab compass = the owner holds the kebab at arms length in front of the body, and adopts the leaning-forward gait of the piss-artist which necessitates walking at an ever-increasing pace to prevent planting his face on the tarmac. The famished drunkard then simply needs to follow his meal while pushing rancid shavings of elephant's leg into his mouth and in the process, smearing his face with chili sauce. It's a good job he's got that beer coat to keep him warm though, and ultimately the experienced kebab-eater will either drop most of it, feed it to the dog on arriving home, or wake up cuddling it in the morning and then finish eating it, cold and regardless of the solidified lard.

Beer scooter = The mysterious mode of transport that gets you home after an absolute bender of an evening even though you have no idea how it was done.

Tart fuel = alcopops

National lottery = extra tax for those poor in math